PRESCRIPTION...................!!!!!!!!!!!!
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May 8, 2012 6:23 am
107 Views
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A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they will throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.
 
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2
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Happy Birthday MEHAK...........
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May 7, 2012 11:23 am
156 Views
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Within you, I’ve found the perfect friend
Someone who I know will be there till the end
And they’re not just thoughts I hope will fulfill
But thoughts that will stand forever still
Within you, I’ve found the perfect friend
A mind that I can comprehend
A person I see is so much like me
A mutual relationship so carefree
Within you, I’ve found the perfect friend
With whom I can be real, and never pretend
You’ve always been someone unique from the rest
You hold a piece of me no other can possess
Within you is reason to live every moment in time
Within you the life I want is always mine
Within you, I have the perfect friend
With you, I see myself till the very end
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6
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Judas Asparagus": .........:))))
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May 6, 2012 2:10 pm
157 Views
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A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what was written:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David.. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.'
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminium. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
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3
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Pub--ic Hair....:)))
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May 5, 2012 11:41 am
216 Views
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A couple living in a small Minnesota town take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl," the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.
After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pub--ic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week, when you go off to bowl, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?"
The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?"
"No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs on yours?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her hairy muff.
After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before."
"I know," he replied, "but the bowling team hadn't!"
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7
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Police Dog.....:))
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May 4, 2012 10:23 am
223 Views
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One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog,
tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a
restaurant for something cold to drink . . .
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant
and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied,
'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand.
Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde.
'My dog doesn't need bread.
She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman said,
'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have xex!'
(You gotta love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said,
“Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.”
=)0
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8
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An Evening At The Bar........:))
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May 3, 2012 10:43 am
251 Views
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Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, on the ceiling, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on... it doesn't matter to me. I just love Screwing!! So how about it??"
His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding! I'm a Lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
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7
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Amish XXX........
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May 2, 2012 11:10 am
260 Views
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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.The daughter said to her mother,
'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied,
'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
'My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied,
'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, 'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied
'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'
He did and warmed his nose.
The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,
'My pen**is is frozen solid.'
The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
and she asks,
'Have you ever heard of a pen**is?'
Concerned the mother said,
'Why yes..... why do you ask?'
The daughter replies,
'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'
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5
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Dope Smokers....:))))))
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May 1, 2012 11:33 am
272 Views
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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison..................
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7
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Hot Air Balloon...:)))))))
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Apr 30, 2012 11:55 am
281 Views
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude
and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, 'Excuse me
sir, can you help me ? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago
but I don't know where I am.'
The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground . You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude
and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude .'
' You must be an engineer ,' said the lady balloonist.
'I am', replied the man. 'How did you know ?'
'Well, answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically
correct , but I've no idea what to make of your information , and the fact
is I'm still lost . Frankly, you've not been much help to me at all .
If anything you've delayed my trip even more .'
The man below responded, ' You must be in management .'
'I am,' replied the lady balloonist, ' but, how did you know ?'
'Well,' said the man, ' You don't know where you are , or where you're
going . You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air within . You made a promise , which you've no idea how to keep , and
you expect people beneath you , to solve your problems
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4
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Love Dress.....:)))))))
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Apr 29, 2012 11:00 am
297 Views
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A mother stopped by un-announced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the couch.....totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work,' the daughter-in- law answered.
'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in- law explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Your son loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.'
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, and dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there naked so provocatively.
What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said. 'What's for dinner?
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